Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize