The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
