I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
