I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
