Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
