My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
