We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
