Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
