I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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