im having a threesome with these popsicles
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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