The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
