Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
