My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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