It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
