people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
