someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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