Plan B is the new Plan A
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
