i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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