i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
