Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
