I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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