Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
