Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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