cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
