Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
