I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
