GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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