all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize