Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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