i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
