Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
