i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize