I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
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