D3 body, D1 cock
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
