They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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