Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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