I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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