Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
