Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
