I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I AM VODKA MAN
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize