I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize