God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
