Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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