o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
