my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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