I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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