Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
