He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
