I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
