tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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