girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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