Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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