What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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