Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
