The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
