Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
