My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
