I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He called his prostate his "boner button".
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
