happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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