Your tits are I can't wait for
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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