im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
