I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
either way he was missing a nipple.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
