The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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