Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
